


as the tide came in (a 911 4x05 coda fic)

by thirteen_beaches



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Firehouse 118 Family Feels (9-1-1 TV), Found Family, Gen, I guess???, Implied Relationships, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, No Slash, Post-Episode: s04e05 Buck Begins, Protective Firehouse 118 Crew (9-1-1 TV), aka the character interactions we deserved in buck begins, for buddie, i dont know what im saying, its all about chosen family babey, its just everyone telling buck that he is LOVED, no beta we die like that grandpa with the motorbike, or could also be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29612766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thirteen_beaches/pseuds/thirteen_beaches
Summary: when his world gets turned upside down, and buck doesn't know who he is, the 118 has his back. they always did. and maybe, he would be able to heal.aka. some character interactions we deserved in buck begins
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 11
Kudos: 111





	as the tide came in (a 911 4x05 coda fic)

**Author's Note:**

> some ramblings about the ocean are very heavily inspired from the jules' special of euphoria

Buck used to love the ocean. 

No matter where he landed up in his life, Georgia, Phoenix, even Peru, he chased the ocean. Or rather, he chased the feeling the ocean gave him. Not the physical feeling of it, but then who was he to deny the comfort of the warm saltwater stinging his skin like a reminder he had feeling in his body? But that wasn’t what he spent his life chasing. 

You see, the ocean had always looked to Buck as the epitome of everything he wasn’t. Buck was strong, yes, football champion and almost-NAVY Seal and all, but the ocean was stronger. It was strong in a way Buck wasn’t, and that both scared and inspired him. It was immovable, and yet ever-changing, morphing and transforming in chaotic beauty. The ocean was everything and nothing at the same time. It was epic and mighty, and something to be feared. But the ocean was also something deeply loved, and God knows how much Buck craved that kind of love, how he had always wanted it. But more than anything else?

The ocean was free. Wild, yes, but free. And Buck wanted nothing more than to be free. Free of his parents’ disappointment, free of his loneliness, just free. 

Yes, Buck used to love the ocean more than anything. 

But then the tsunami happened, washing away that love, and replacing it with cold dread that drowned him in his nightmares for the first few months after. The ocean was unforgiving, cold, and it almost took everything away from Buck, and if he closed his eyes fortoolong, he could still picture his empty hand, Christopher nowhere to be found,and his glasses strung around his neck as he looked up into Eddie’s eyes, filled with constrained despair. 

There were many moments in the past few years that Buck could point out to when everything went wrong. Abby leaving, the ladder truck, the embolism, the tsunami, the lawsuit. But, despite all of those, there was always something holding back the flood of emotions, keeping him relatively afloat through it all.

But the secret, the great big dark Buckley family secret, that had to take the cake for him. 

Driving up to that factory fire, especially after everything that had been revealed over the previous days, and Maddie coming up to him as the alarm rang in the station, Buck had never felt more lost. Even as he separated from the group, running to find the last victim, he was as alone as he felt. And then everything exploded around him, and the memories flooded back,and bit by bit, as he tried to save Saleh. 

And it was then he remembered the ocean once again, the way he had when he was younger and filled with some naive hope. The vast expanse of water melting away the sweltering chemical fire around him, but it wasn’t calm, like he remembered. It was loud, and angry, and it threatened to swallow him whole, and for a brief few moments, Buck almost gave up, and let it. He almost let himself get dragged below the surface for good, to rest in the sand on the seabed.

But he wasn’t alone. As the smoke filled his lungs and water started to lull him to sleep, his family found him. Eddie, Bobby, Chimney and Hen. They found him,and the weight he had to pull up didn’t seem so heavy anymore. The stones in his pocket rolled out, and his mind broke the water’s surface, and he made it out of the fire.

_ “If you guys hadn’t come-” _

_ “But we did. And we always will.” _

_ … _

_ “You never give up. That’s what being Buck means to me. But whatever you do,don’t stop.” _

Maybe he was ready to start believing them. The chances were still slim, after all, all that self deprecation wouldn’t vanish overnight. But it was a start.

*

“Buck?” 

The sound of Bobby saying his name was enough to snap Buck out of his musings, and he straightened up, leaning against the seat of the LAFD pickup truck. After being pulled out of the factory fire, Hen and Chimney had deemed him alright, but it was at Bobby’s insistence that Buck allowed himself to be driven down to the hospital for a proper checkup. It’s not like he was in much of a state to put up a fight after all, he barely even had the strength to pull his own mind out of the spiral it was falling down.

“Sorry Bobby,” Buck finally replied, flashing a quick smile at Bobby before facing ahead. “Just thinking.”

“You sure everything is okay?” he asked, glancing back at Buck every now and then, while also keeping his eyes on the road. 

Buck just gave a noncommittal shrug, clapping his hands. “Doc said clean bill of health, didn’t he?” he joked, trying to feel just a bit lighter. It wasn’t that things were as bad as they had been the previous night, but the lingering memories, the blank that was  _ Daniel Buckley _ that glared at him every time he looked back, and the quiet cry to his parents at dinner, all of it was still there. Right around the corner.

Bobby, it seemed, could also see right through his charade, and he slowed down a bit, allowing him to look at Buck more. “Kid, you know I didn’t mean that,” he said, in a voice that felt so much like what a father should sound like, and god, Buck was trying desperately to keep it together at that thought. “I know it’s been a rough few days, and that’s putting it lightly,” Bobby continued, gesturing with one hand, steering wheel gripped with the other. “But, I mean it when I say, you need anything, anything at all. We’re here for you Buck, family always is.”

And if that didn’t set Buck off, he didn’t know what would. There he was, holding back tears in the truck on the way back from the hospital after pulling a daredevil move  _ again _ , with his captain basically telling him that they were family, and he would stay with him through everything. No one had  _ stayed _ before. 

So he just sniffed, a small, but finally genuine smile on his face, as he turned to look over at his captain, someone who was practically his dad at that point. “Thanks Pops,” he whispered. “I know.”

Bobby smiled, reaching up to ruffle Buck’s hair, laughing quietly. “Hey, Athena was wondering if you want to join us for dinner this weekend,” he asked. “She’s been asking about you, and I’m sure she wants to make sure you’re all good.”

Buck just laughed, feeling lighter and warmer as the truck turned into the familiar alleyway. “Sure thing, you can’t say no to Athena after all,” he said with a smile as the truck came to a stop. 

Yeah, things would be okay eventually. 

*

Buck stayed in Maddie’s apartment for hours, going through the postcards one by one, laughing out loud at the sheer ridiculousness of some of the things Buck had done in his time. 

“I cannot believe you actually had blonde highlights, and no one told you anything!” Maddie laughed out, wiping away the tears from her eyes. Buck just looked at her, faking offense.

“I’ll have you know, Madeleine, that I was catching people’s eyes every day at work, thank you very much!” Buck said very matter-of-factly, shaking his head as the words just set Maddie off more. 

“Oh, were you now?” Maddie teased, raising her eyebrow. It was nice, Buck thought as he laughed along, seeing her smile again. The past few days had been trying for her too, given everything. But he knew that they would bounce back, they always did. They were Maddie and Buck,and they always had each other’s backs. A while ago, Buck had even tried apologising for how he had snapped at Maddie, but she would hear nothing of it.

“You had every right to be mad, Evan,” she said, firm but kind. “And I know you feel bad about it, and that you’re putting it behind us. But don't apologise for feeling something you had every right to feel.” Then she laughed, ruffling his hair slightly. “It just means you will be running a lot more errands for me!”

Chimney on the other hand…

A part of Buck wanted nothing more than to hold a grudge against him, to just not talk about it. But Chimney was his friend, someone he had come to love like family at the 118, he was practically a brother-in-law. And Buck had spent too long bottling stuff up, letting it fester inside before exploding. He couldn’t do that anymore, he had to talk things out. 

“Hey Mads?” Buck said quietly, and Maddie looked up, a gentle smile on her face. “I should probably be heading out now,” he mumbled, getting up, Maddie following him. It was clear she was still worried about him, she always was. But she also knew that Buck would be okay, he always would be.

“You take care of yourself, Buck,” she said softly, cupping his face with her hand. Buck nodded slowly,flashing her a small smile. But he still looked hesitant, shuffling his feet before speaking up.

“Actually,” he said, and Maddie raised an eyebrow. “I just need to talk to Chimney real quick before going.”

Chimney was busy sorting the laundry in the bedroom, when he heard footsteps too heavy to be Maddie’s approaching the room. As he looked up, he saw Buck standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets like he was trying to feel smaller.

“Buck?” he said, breaking the silence,and Buck sighed, bouncing slightly. “Were you heading out now?”

“Yeah, yeah I was,” Buck started, taking a few steps into the room. “But, but it didn’t feel right. Leaving, without talking to you,” he said quietly, coming to a stop in front of Chimney.

Chim sighed, dropping the socks onto the bed, crossing his hands. “Buck, you don’t have to say anything,” he tried to say, but Buck cut him off with a scoff, shaking his head. 

“Nah man,” he said, voice breaking. “I, I, I can’t just leave it, okay?” Buck looked up at Chimney, and he only then realised just how tired the younger man looked, the past few days clearly not going easy on him. “Look, a part of me is still mad at you,” Buck admitted, shrugging slightly, and Chimney nodded along. “For knowing before me. For keeping it from me, and for telling that damn bomber before me. I think it’ll be there for a while.”

“I get that,” Chimney sighed, nodding. “I wouldn't tell you to forgive me before you feel like you can, Buck.”

“But, but then,” Buck continued, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I think about what I would do if our situations were reversed, and Albert told me some deep dark Han family secret. And who knows, maybe I would’ve reacted the same way you did.” 

“Wait, did Albert tell you some deep dark secret that I don’t know?!” Chimney exclaimed, eyes wide. And Buck laughed, throwing his head back as he waved his hands. But as the laughter died down, Chimney’s smile softened, and he walked around the bed to reach Buck, placing hand on his shoulder. “Buck, you wanna know the first thing I thought when you joined the 118 as a probie? I thought you wouldn’t last a week, cuz you wouldn't take work seriously.”

“Gee thanks Chim, you're so kind,” Buck drawled sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Chimney just laughed, shaking his head.

“If you let me finish, you overgrown child,” he said,and Buck held up his hands in surrender. “But then, I saw you on calls. And you cared, Buck. Every person we saved, every emergency we had, every single time, you gave it your all. You cared about the job, and what it meant. And not just that, you cared about US. I saw it in the way you would always know when Hen needed her coffee halfway through the shift, sometimes even before I did. I saw it in how you and Bobby worked, even though Buck 1.0 was sure a menace-” Buck laughed at that one, trying to hold back tears. “And I saw it in how you saved my sorry ass many times. You have one of the best spirits I’ve seen Buck. You’re like a brother to me. Maybe that’s why I understood Maddie, and why I tried so hard to keep the secret. Because I wanted to protect you too.”

Buck was no longer able to hold back the tears, simply wiping them away with the back of his hand, smiling at Chimney. “You’re like my brother too Chim,” Buck whispered, letting out a watery laugh. “Even before you were having a kid with my sister.”

Chimney laughed, pulling Buck in for a hug, squeezing his shoulders tight. “Now get out of here before Maddie convinces you to move in to help with the baby,” he teased, pushing Buck out the door, as Buck rolled his eyes,already looking more at ease.

Like bit by bit, the high tide drowning his thoughts was receding. 

*

It had been a while since Buck had come this way. 

He had been driving back from Maddie and Chimney’s place, night having fallen hours ago. But the events of the past few days were playing in a loop in his mind, as they had been ever since he had been pulled out of the fire by his team. But, looping thoughts meant even more chances of getting lost in them. 

And then, next thing he knew, Buck was pulling into the parking lot before the beach.

As he saw the small waves lapping the shore, Buck felt his breath catch in his throat. Flashes of memories he wished desperately to forget kept making their way past the wall he had built. The seabed before the first wave. The current threatening to tear him apart as he tried to stay afloat, to keep an eye out for Christopher. The cold feeling as he jumped back in, losing Christopher, the screams tearing his throat apart. 

_ But there he was, at the ocean, _ Buck thought to himself, squeezing his eyes shut, forcing himself to breathe.  _ Funny how the one thing he spent his life chasing, was the one thing he wanted to run away from. _

Buck took a deep breath, slowly opening his eyes to look out at the water. He glanced down at his phone, slightly surprised at the time. 00:04.  _ Huh, who knew he was at Maddie’s for so long _ . He knew that he had been given the day off the next day, Bobby’s courtesy, but he still had to get home and get some rest. However, as he looked back up at the beach, he made a decision, opening the car door to step outside. 

_ This was the stupidest idea he had ever had, _ Buck chided himself as he pocketed his phone and locked his car, taking deep breaths with every step forward.  _ And he had his fair share of stupid ideas.  _ But then, why was he there past midnight, alone, standing in front of a beach for the first time since the tsunami?  _ Why was he doing this? _

But he knew why. Of course he did.

Buck was tired. He had been tired the moment he heard his parents were coming to town. He had been tired even before that, honestly. But the last few days had brought with them change, change he hadn’t seen coming in any form. Change that had forced him to confront things about himself he hadn’t realised. 

Amidst all that, Buck just wanted something familiar, something grounding. And for years, through all his life changes and his wandering, that had been the ocean. The air in his face, the feeling of the water on his feet, the calm that took over him. But ever since the tsunami, the ocean was fear, dread, and anger. It was no longer a friend, it was his worst enemy. 

And Buck was tired of that. 

He wanted to look out at the ocean and not hear the screams rattle his mind anymore. He wanted to feel the freedom, the chaos and the beauty the way he used to. The way he had seen it for his whole life. He wanted to find a home in it again.

As these thoughts circled his mind, Buck had walked onto the sand, shoes sinking in with every slow step forward. The sound of the waves got louder every moment, and Buck did everything to keep his breathing steady. With one final deep breath, he sank down to the sand, sitting on the beach, eyes fixed on the water. 

It was quieter than he realised, the ocean gentle and calm. A far cry from the ocean he had faced more than a year ago. It wasn’t the strong, chaotic force of nature Buck always romanticised in his postcards to Maddie. But that didn't make it any less than its true nature. It was both strong and chaotic and free, and quiet, calm, and subdued. 

The realisation that came after should've felt catastrophic, given how the thought made him giddy when he was younger, driving around the country in the Jeep, looking for his place. But it was silent, almost like he expected it.

He was like the ocean too. 

He didn’t expect his silent acceptance of this fact. There he was, at the precipice of something he had spent his youth chasing, and he didn’t even feel satisfied. There was no moment of ecstasy, no groundbreaking moment of self-realisation. The world didn’t shift on its axis, the waves crashing the shore were the same, and Buck was frozen in place. 

It was only when he felt his phone buzzing incessantly in his pocket that he broke out of the trance, scrambling to pull it out. As he opened it, the bright light causing him to wince slightly, he saw the missed calls and text messages from Albert, Maddie, Chimney,and Eddie. Eddie, who was also calling him at that moment. After a second of thought, Buck sighed, accepting the call and pressed the phone to his ear.

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice came through the phone. “You there?” 

And Buck could tell from the slight hoarse way he was speaking, that the other man had been on the way to falling asleep before this. The thought made him guilty, but also confused. Because why had he been calling him then? 

“Eddie?” Buck said quietly, feeling weird about talking out loud in the silence. “What happened?”

“Albert texted Chimthat you hadn’t come back to the flat, and so Chim freaked out and toldMaddie,and Maddie called me to ask if you were with me,” Eddie explained, the sound of shuffling coming from the other side of the phone. “You okay?”

Buck took a deep breath, the salty air filling his lungs. “Just needed some time alone, Eds,” he said reassuringly. “I spent the evening at Maddie’s, we talked it all out. Chim too. We’re cool.”

“Still not exactly what I asked Buck,” Eddie said softly, with that subtle fondness Buck knew he only used when he knew something was up, and when he wanted someone to know that he was ready to listen. It was one of the things Buck loved about him after all.

“I’m fine Eddie,” Buck said, trying to sound firm. But he knew his best friend was gonna hear the truth. “I just wanted to clear my head and well… I guess I was just meant to land up here.”

“Buck, where are you right now?” 

“The beach. Eddie, I’m at the beach,” Buck whispered. Eddie knew the significance of those words, of course he did. He didn't have the extent of insight Maddie did, but he was aware of Buck’s infatuation with the ocean. But what he was more aware of, was the way the tsunami had changed that infatuation into something painful. 

“I’ll be there soon, wait there,” Eddie saidsimply, hanging up right after.

Buck didn’t get to say anything to dissuade him, so he just sighed, dropping his phone on the sand as he continued to stare out at ocean waves. He was, after all, still exhausted, and the sand felt comforting. Even if his washing machine wasn’t going to agree with him the next day.

After what could’ve been hours, or minutes, Buck heard the sound of crunched sand, and footsteps approaching him. And he couldn’t help but smile as he caught Eddie sitting down beside him, facing forward.

“Christopher?” Buck asked quietly, turning to face him.

“He was spending the night at his abuela’s anyway,” Eddie said with a shrug. Buck nodded slowly, sighing.

“You didn’t have to come out here,” he said quietly, a small smile on his face, knowing Eddie knew what he meant.  _ Thank you for coming, even when you really didn’t have to. _

“No, I didn’t,” Eddie said plainly, clapping Buck’s shoulder.  _ Of course I came, I’ll always come to where you are if you need me. _

The two of them sat in silence, staring at the ocean. It was clear Eddie wanted to say something, to ask how he was. But he also knew pushing Buck would get him nowhere. Buck would tell him, whether now or later.

Eventually, he did break the silence.

“I really am fine, Eddie,” Buck said quietly. “I'm just tired, you know?”

“Anyone would be Buck,” Eddie said reassuringly. “You’ve had a crazy couple of days. Hell, a day ago you were stuck in a factory on fire. I think being tired is a given.”

“But it isn’t just that,” he continued, gulping. “It’s like, in the past few days, the world has just shifted completely under my feet. And all of a sudden I was doubting everything, and I was lost and listless. And there was nothing I could do about it,” Buck said quietly, his voice breaking. “I didn’t know who I was for a bit there Eddie. I still don’t think I do.”

“You’re you, Buck,” Eddie said, reaching out to hold the back of Buck’s neck. “You’re the guy who will do whatever it takes to make sure every person is saved. You’re the person Chimney messes around with in between calls. You’re Hen’s friend, who manages to make her laugh, and also chase you in exasperation. You’re like a son to Bobby, and even Athena. You’re Christopher’s best friend, and his partner in crime in video games and pranks. You’re Maddie’s little brother and a soon-to-be uncle. You’re the one person I trust the most in the world, Buck,” Eddie said, smiling as he moved his hand around Buck’s shoulder. “You’re smarter than you look, and you’re kind. You care. That’s who you are Buck.”

Buck just sat there, quiet. But Eddie knew he had heard him, it was obvious in the way he sniffed, rubbing his eyes to hide the tears. “Damn Diaz,” Buck said, coughing slightly. “When did you get so touchy-feely?”

Eddie just laughed, shoving Buck away. “You’re a dumbass, Buckley,” he scoffed,and Buck laughed, finally feeling lighter, and not as tired.

After a few minutes, Eddie just shook his head, getting up from the sand. He reached out to Buck, offering his hand. “As much as I’d like to sit here all night, we do have a shift tomorrow,” he said. “You can take the couch at mine. Plus, I’m pretty sure Albert could be spared a night of your snoring.”

Buck just smiled, rolling his eyes as he grabbed Eddie’s hand, following him home. But before he walked away, he turned around one last time, staring at the ocean.

The ocean would always be special to Buck, and who he was. But he didn’t need it to ground him anymore. 

He had his family, that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> okay this is my first 911 fic so this is WILD lololol but i loved buck begins smmmmm it made me sob. however, i wish we had some character interactions, so i decided to fill in the blanks myself :D
> 
> KUDOS/COMMENTS SUPER APPRECIATED!! 
> 
> follow me on twt to cry over 911 @silentmvies


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